Letter to Ken Mehlman

Mr. Ken Mehlman
Chairman
Republican National Committee
310 First Street, SE
Washington DC 20003

Dear Ken:

I am writing to congratulate you on your pivotal role in developing the strategy for the President’s reelection. You and the President did a super job of pointing out how the immoral behavior of blue state residents is not pleasing to the Lord. I believed this to be true, because, after all, the Republicans, the party of Honest Abe, told us that our way of life is at peril from Massachusetts liberals and their desire to undermine the traditional family values so pervasive in states like Texas, Mississippi and Oklahoma. But then, I happened upon some information that has me wondering whether the President might have been mistaken. I thought I’d better bring it to your attention so that you can correct him next time you see him.

Morally speaking, we’re none of us perfect, but if you’re like me, you’ll be surprised to find out that blue states are closer to God’s teachings when it comes to honoring the marriage vows. Curiously, even though people that live in blue states have horns growing out of their heads, they don’t seem to get divorced at as high a rate as red state residents do. And - I hope you’re seated for this one – it turns out that born again Christians are just as likely as the rest of the unsaved public to break the marriage contract.

That’s just the start of it, though. Color me amazed when I learned that, with all that talk about virtue, residents of the Red States are more likely to pick up a pesky case of syphilis. In fact, if over there at RNC Headquarters you can’t get your hands on a decent red state/blue state map, head over to the Center for Disease Control’s web site and grab the map that shows syphilis rates by state – it serves as a pretty good stand-in. Oh, and, just between us girls, it’s not that I want to embarrass the state with the most syphilis, but you may just want to put your condom on before you step off the plane in Mississippi.

But wait – there’s more! With the way that you and the President have been pushing abstinence, you could have knocked me over with a feather when I found out that that as a teenager, you’re more likely to get in the family way if you live in a red state than in a blue state! And get this: Texas’ teen pregnancy rate is almost double Massachusetts’! I guess one possible explanation for this is that the teens there have more sex than their unlucky counterparts in Massachusetts, or maybe it’s because they are more likely to drink. But how can all this be, because President Bush was in control of Texas for so long and he’s a man of morals whereas John Kerry runs Massachusetts, and he hates God? I’m not sure I have the answer to that, but the President can take pride in the fact that his admonitions about the evils of contraception seemed to do the trick: Texan teens are less likely than the average U.S. teen to use condoms.

The President can also find comfort in the success of his efforts to save the little children. I am sure you’ll share my relief when you learn that, even though the number of abortions has gone up since George W. took office, the abortion rates in the red States are lower than they are in the blue states. I think this is the result of two factors: the President’s steadfast opposition to abortion and the fact that abortions are not necessary in red states because so many infants die at birth. The story’s not quite so rosy on the whole “though shall not kill” front, though I’m afraid. Maybe you’re already wise to this, but I think the reason why they chose the color red for those states is that their residents are more likely to suffer the inconvenience of homicide.

I wanted to get this information to you because I know the President takes great pride in his moral clarity. Knowing he’s a man of action, he’ll want to get right out there and apologize to blue state residents for leaving the impression that they worship Satan. Then, with all that confusion behind him, he can get down to the business of helping his friends in the red states with their other problems, like their lack of health insurance, lower incomes, high rates of mental retardation, and lower than average I.Q.s.

Sincerely,

Bleeding Heart