Hit 'em Straight

Interior secretary Gale Norton announced the other day that after 50 years of steadily decreasing wetlands, the most recent government data indicates that the trend has reversed under the careful environmental stewardship of the Bush Administration.

Secretary Norton fails to mention, however, that the reason that the number has increased is that the government has redefined the way that it classifies wetlands to include, um, golf course water hazzards. Take them out, and the wetlands are still in decline.

I predict that the next stunning improvement in wetlands acreage will result from the government's inclusion of toilet bowls into the calculus.